I was feeling out of the blue earlier last week and I didn’t know how to get out of my funk. The feeling of uselessness, plain, simple and not worth much, and to top it all off, I was confused. I felt as if I didn’t belong and I was the only one standing out; and while the world was spinning I was the only one who wasn’t. People milled about and most students grouped up- talked and laughed- together. Though, I was thinking about one things.
Does, Jesus Christ really understand my heart, my pain, my state of being?
I spent one particular night unleashing all my pent up frustration. I asked Jesus if he really did feel the way I felt. I mean I went on and on and on about Jesus only experiencing the pain of the cross, of rejection, of a loveless world; and if somehow put together, I felt all of these; yes, but it wasn’t what was affecting so much as to – purposeless. I felt like I was trapped in this cycle of never ending ‘figuring out’!
This blasted-never ending- round and round- tight grip of suffocating nausea that wouldn’t break the anxiousness that was already there from unanswered questions. And so I said,
You don’t get it Jesus, You don’t. I’m pretty sure you didn’t wonder about any of the things or thought to hard on the things that I do. You were basically God on earth! Basically with out the power to see between realms- physical and spiritual, but still You had the gracious connection to God that every human on the planet wished they had and in the end it seems to me no matter how hard I try, I can’t get there and trust me I know I haven’t been the most sin-free of the bunch and I’m not asking you to overlook all my iniquities just so I can have what Jesus Christ had when He was here on earth, but I do think if there was a little more pull on your end I would keep my head straight and pretty focused.
And by then I realized what I said was completely brash and very quick of the tongue, but I had to say it. For weeks, I had been going around with thoughts concerning God’s hearing problems- if any. But to no avail, I felt like my chest was seizing on me and I couldn’t keep pushing it. I didn’t question why I felt like everyone was getting a better hand in life, for that – no I didn’t care and still don’t. But what i wanted to know was, ‘How long?’ , ‘Am I not allowed to think on the things in my heart and believe they are possible? because these dreams are far to great for me to understand, I wouldn’t dare leave my room of solitary confinement to reach out to people, but my heart breaks every time I see others in need.
A few days later, all of my problems were fixed. As if God knew what it was that would do the trick. I was coming out of the conference building at the college and my parents were in the car together-picking me up. It was a beautiful day and I had told myself to be happy and to not let Satan boggle your mind and question your authority. I sat in the car and my parents- at different times- complemented me!
One called me pretty and the other called me beautiful.
You see, as parents, I would think they normally do that and they do, but this particular time when my heart felt drained and my mind felt violated by thoughts of ‘maybe yes-maybe no’, those complements were just enough to give me the boost to get back into the game and do what I’ve always wanted to do. It didn’t give me all the answers to my heartaches but it gave me something to look forward to. Not an expectation, but a goal.
I am going to become who I am destined to become and God doesn’t have to tell me what it is, but I have to be willing to listen and follow. When Jesus Christ decided to come down here and do what most people would call “cray-cray”(crazy), he was set out on a mission to save humanity; which means He didn’t do it just for Himself, not for the fame, not for the glory, not for the ridicule either, but to help the ones he love. And I feel the need to help people out there who struggle with who they are in life, not just physically but spiritually, not many people get to say they are ‘truly’ happy. I would love to be the one in a billion to help you find that out.
Me, sharing a few stories and very awkward moments of personal vlogging, is an amazing start. So why don’t you join me.
Dear God, give us the grace and the strength to go on and pursue the dreams You’ve placed in our hearts. To let them lead us to You and to those out there who need you. I am blessed to be a child of God, who lives and reigns forever and ever and everyone else should be. To know the right I have as a child of God isn’t going to be put to waste and I ask for your guidance and protection forever more, In Jesus Name, Amen.